Dear Magi

I don't know how to put the umlaut on the A.
I don't know where you are,
but I hope that you know that I love you!

It's been a rough holiday this year, not because of family, and not because of a lack of food, but psychologically. Sam's 15th birthday was on the 13th of November, and I sent him a few words in an email wishing him a happy birthday. (He's technically a man now, even if our parents don't treat him like one).

Christine turned 25 on the 24th of November, and I sent her a few words in an email wishing her a happy birthday and saying I love her.

On thanksgiving I spent time with church families at the Pastor's house sharing life, love, food and God's fellowship. EJ and another coworker came and I was so happy that they did! I go to LifePoint church in Lynwood and it's a great community of people that really care.
I felt that I was surrounded by people who cared; who knew what it was like to be away from family on the holidays, so we were more like a family than my family was...

I know it's an odd thing to say, but it really feels this way.
I didn't call my immediate family on Thanksgiving. I didn't email them, and I didn't write a letter, and it was hard for me to do, but it felt like the right thing to do.
It felt like it was time for me to let them go more. and in the meantime look for a counselor that can help me through this season of life. I have the nagging feeling that my depression may worsen in the upcoming little while. I do not want this to happen. God has got me in his hands either way though.

I have only been encouraged to grow in my faith by the people in this church, and I am so thankful for God's grace and loving-kindnes!!!

I am encouraging EJ to come to church with me because of the GOSPEL and the community, he likes the people at church, because they're "normal" and unlike anybody else he has met. This may be due to  the fact that we know that we are broken and only still breathing by the grace of God and by Jesus' amazing sacrifice.

This Christmas will be different, I will be in NJ for my cousin's wedding, and in the air for most of the day during the 25th, so EJ and I are both bummed to not be spending that day together.
His family was going to come up to visit him in Washington, but he is debating going down to Venezuela to visit them. We will see what will happen. Hopefully EJ and I will get to celebrate on the 26th, but holidays make him sad due to his family being so far away. I wanted to send him to Venezuela, but it is his responsibility to do so, and he wants to save up for it anyway.
Be praying for him and his family, they need Jesus.

I have been praying for you and hope you are well!

Love,
me

Well, I've had enough

Hi there,

I have had enough.

I am formally done with drama, although it tends to hang around like a spiderweb, and I am very very wearied by how things have gone.

My privacy for the most part is publicly known by the people I'm around. I'm quite the fumbling idiot when it comes down to it, but unfortunately I have some itty-bitty sense of right and wrong.

I cannot continue to publish my blog for the public.

I have changed it to private.

Also it saddens me that my parents cannot respect my privacy and kindly ^&*% up everything when they even THINK something is threatening to them. My dad has been reading my blog along with my mom ever since I started blogging. I learned this from my older sister when her relationship was starting to have pressure put on it by my posting of information about her life decisions which didn't include our parents. They now believe that I am trying to undermine their relationship with her as well as everyone else's in the family. Well, they are nuts.

Dad, if you are reading this, you are a pitiful old man who cannot help but STALK his children.
Out of necessity for my sanity I kindly ask that you stay away from me, and my life, my family, and my decisions. You gave up a right to having a say in my life when you disowned me. Also, leave me be.
I'm tired of having nightmares of you, I'm saddened by what you are choosing to do with your life, and I'm grieving for how you treat your family.

Telling this to your face would do one of a few things: throw you into a fit of defensive rage, or make you say hateful things about me, tear me apart because I tell the truth, etc.

I'm quite sad about all of this.

I am also quite sad that I cannot see my siblings for the holidays. I cannot because that is a danger to them as well as to me. I cannot say things that will not offend anyone, and I cannot help but be offensive by nature, simply because I exist as your scapegoat.

Am I victimizing myself?

I don't think so.

I have the beginning of a happy life. A life lived with hope and joy. Joy isn't always happiness, it's knowing that God has a plan and that his plan is the best for me.
I know is that I have found someone who loves me, someone who has loved me since before I was born, and people who I am gradually learning how to love.

I do not want to live in fear.

I do not HAVE to live in fear.

I have a choice of how to live.

I choose to live joyfully.