Where should I begin?
This was supposed to be posted two weeks ago.
Hi, It's been awhile, and things have been hectic.
I've gone from this:
To this!
I've found that dying my hair has helped me to cope with everything that has been going on in the past year. I've moved, I'm working about 6 days a week with two jobs. I'm in a steady relationship. I'm beginning to establish myself as an adult in society.
Then my dad calls.
He left a message.
I'm not ready to talk to him yet.
Every time I think about it I go on the defensive, I start to have anxiety and I start yelling in my head.
Sometimes I yell outside of my head too. The many things I have to say are not pleasant.
My mother chose a relationship with him as the one that held the most space inside of her. I wonder what will happen to her if/when she realizes that her husband has distorted his family's point of view of the world. I am attempting to preserve what sanity I have left by removing myself from the equation. I made my choice, I do not wish to endanger my peace of mind by compromising my privacy, but I would like his "REIGN OF TERROR" to end with my departure. He has abused his family significantly over the years, insisting that our survival consists solely of his being our beneficiary. He has claimed to have raised us to be individuals capable of taking care of ourselves,
Congrats, we are, we could have learned this without your verbal, mental and physical abuse.
I was born for a purpose, and I must pursue that purpose, even if it gets painful along the way.
Carole! You are one of the most beautifully functional (and dysfunctional in some of the most terrific ways where, if you were too functional, it just wouldn't work, so we can celelbrate that) adults I know.
ReplyDeleteI love that you are sustaining your own life now. Empowering, eh? Although, I guess you've been doing more than take care of yourself for a while. But, you're keeping a roof over your head.\
And, oh your hair, Miss Carole, adore it! Much so adoring.
Praying for you and your dad and your family and healing. Healing. Peace. I am glad you're out of there. I'm glad that, finally, maybe your heart can start to heal as it's hard to heal when you're still there (learned that one first hand, but in a different situation). Oh how I love you so much and how much love you give out and I hate how much you've been hurt! But I celebrate that, even though so much of this has been gross, you're still one of the most vibrant, joyful, loving, incredible women I know. I love you, Carole!